Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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