when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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