My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize