Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
