and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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