I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Randomize
