it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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