STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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