I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize