I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
