the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
