Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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