Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
