I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize