The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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