She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
