He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
