there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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