Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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