porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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