i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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