I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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