I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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