Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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