Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
