Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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