his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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