I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
