He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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