found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
