I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
