I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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