I skipped work to stalk him.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
