never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
