My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
