Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
