i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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