Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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