I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
