mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
