Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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