he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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