she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
