Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
