He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
