see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
