When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
