did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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