I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
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