He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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