You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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