I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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