I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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