You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
