Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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