true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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