Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize