When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
