Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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